It’s not him…it’s YOU!

Over the last few weeks, I have been buried in developing and facilitating seminars and coaching programs to empower women in their personal, family, and relationship goals. And while it’s no excuse to leave you hanging, just know that I’m back with a purpose!

And that purpose brings me RIGHT here! To drop a nice clue bomb on the matter of dating a person who is NOT dating you. Yes, I said that correctly. I am going to share a little bit about how you may find yourself in a relationship BY YOURSELF.

Interestingly enough, there are many women out there who maintain months and sometimes years of situationships that do not lead to actual relationships. And before you quickly point the finger at the guy you were dating to say, “He did me wrong!” or “How could he do this to me?” to even “He’s such as an asshole…jerk…f*ckboy”…or insert whatever adjective to describe him, pick up a mirror because the problem in the whole situation was probably YOU!

Harsh much? Maybe. Continue reading It’s not him…it’s YOU!

Words Not Said…

“It is no little wisdom for you to keep yourself in silence and in good peace when evil words are spoken to you, and not to turn your heart to God and to be troubled with judgment of others.” ~ Thomas A. Kempis

lady-602881_1920When I was in college I began to experience  a liberation of myself. After a break up with my high school boyfriend, and of course venturing into the real world alone, I decided that I didn’t want to be “committed…” as if being in a relationship comes with a stray jacket and padded walls to lock in your insanity.

I just wanted to have fun and enjoy my good college years of hanging with friends and getting into a good club or party!

And with the “clubbin” came the heat…and prowl of the vultures who lurked in them.  And why not…? I mean I was in a college capital with young military men who were either pending deployments or just getting back.

AND… I can tell you ladies…there were no shortages of the men back then.

But at 18, I wasn’t looking for a husband and for damn sure those guys weren’t looking to make me a “honest woman” at the time. So I enjoyed the freedoms of college life… especially with living in an off campus dorm.

One Friday night I met a nice looking military guy. He definitely didn’t approach me because I was this well put together young lady. If I can be honest, I was one of them damn girls twerking in the club like I was auditioning for Uncle Luke!

AYYYYEEEE!!!!

Yup… My turn-up was REAL!

Anyway, he asked to take me out the next day, so he rolled through. He had this nice little white Mazda with rims. CLEAN! And even though he was 5’8…he looked good driving it with his fresh fade and caramel skin. So we rolled up to eat at CiCi’s…. yup the damn CiCi’s… AND to make it so bad…I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE BUFFET.

Needless to say we went back to my room to hang out and chill. I’m not sure what he had in his sauce, but he was getting a tad bit too close and personal. With the kissing on my neck, unwantedly, I grew uncomfortable. But I said nothing.

I remember I was wearing a jean dress with buttons down the front. It was such a cute dress with more of a green wash to it. His hands groped and grabbed me around my breast area. Despite my discomfort, I said nothing.

After all… he liked me, right?

His hand crept up my dress between my legs, but I pushed it away. He persisted. I resisted. Finally he yanked my dress and a few of my buttons unsnapped. I remember grabbing it closed and curling up on my bed. I was frozen….NUMB.

He pulled me closer to him, and climbed on top of me, again placing his disgusting kisses on my neck and body.  And I said nothing.

As he began to tug at his belt and jeans, I finally asked, “What are you doing?” only to be met with “What do you think?”

“No…No…No…” I mumbled. Weakened by confusion. The feeling of powerlessness crept over me, and my only thought at the time was, “Did I invite sex because I invited him over?”  As he continued to touch my body and press his hardness against me, I… said… NOTHING.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear a loud knock at my door. My classmate who lived across the hall came over to borrow my notes the week’s prior class. The relief I felt when he walked into my room and stood guard. In that moment, I kept thinking to myself how much I loved that boring class.

The guy left and never said a word. SAAM

After passing my notes over, my classmate looked at me and asked, “You good?” I nodded my head. Embarrassed and ashamed to even say word.

Shortly after… I shaved my hair off, kept to my comfortable clothes, and prepared for basketball season. I remained close to my friends, but even still… I never said a word. Even when I grew a bit depressed, I chalked it up as being homesick and dealing with the pressures of not basketball.

I started to detach from things, and eventually I blocked that part of my life out. I buried it. I moved on, and I didn’t think it mattered. But it did. It truly affected my sexuality, trust and security, and sense of self in many ways for years to come. Took me well into my late 20s to heal and forgive myself for it.

While I won’t go too deep, I thought to myself back then that it was easier to have “sexual control” than to actually talk about what happened. You know to be a little wild and go with the flow of things, than to actually open up because I feared that I would again invite the unwanted: the criticism of my decisions, mistakes, and shortcomings. To be judged by a culture of peers who would think…. YOU invited it.

But the feelings and perception is a reality as many “victims of sexual assault often experience short-term consequences including guilt, shame, fear, numbness, shock and feelings of isolation” (http://www.nsvrc.org).

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and this year, as with many other years since the movement began in the 1970s, draws attention to the fact that sexual violence is widespread and is a violation of human rights and dignity. According to the 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey:

  • 1 in 5 women in the United States have experienced rape or attempted rape in their lives
  • 1 in 71 men in the United States have experienced rape or attempted rape
  • 1 in 2 women and 1 in 5 men have experienced sexual violence victimization other than rape at some point in their lifetime

This month the National Sexual Violence Resource Center is calling on groups whose influence can play a critical role in changing the culture to “Engage New Voices” — from churches, to Greek organizations, faith leaders, coaches and mentors, survivors and caregivers.

A friend and colleague reminded me during our dialogue about the devastation in Ohio and the deafening silence of mental health (particularly among the African American community), that in order to continue to enlarge these conversations, we have to be diligent to invite such organizations to share about these “sensitive” topics at every turn. And he is absolutely correct.

I encourage you to share and take part in the conversation and dialogue. To lead with listening to the voices of survivors so that you too can share the words that may not have been said.

Thanks for allowing me the safe place to share. I invite your comments and please pass this on to another person in your day.

~M. Danielle

 

8 Date Night Ideas to Promote Stronger Connections

Ahh….Dating! While some can cringe at the idea of having to open up to someone or expose their vulnerabilities and fears of “putting yourself out there,” dating gives us a way to build greater connection and emotional (and physical) intimacy with another person.

Of course one of the challenges is choosing a place to go. UnDENYably, I am an “I dunno” or “It doesn’t matter” kinda woman. That means, I am generally open to anything so long as it brings me closer to a person. This drives a guy ABSOLUTELY crazy because he just wants me to choose a place.  Sometimes I struggle because I love more creative and exotic things, but I don’t want to seem like I’m “high maintenance.” Continue reading 8 Date Night Ideas to Promote Stronger Connections

Sex…on the first date?

We have all been there… The awkward first date. Maybe you go out for a nice dinner and have a drink or two. There is a great connection and conversation. The tension and chemistry is evident, and you are at your car, doorstep, or meeting spot….do you act on your urges?

Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what “urges” I’m talking about. I mean the growth in his pants from your too close of a hug you gave him, or the tingle in your lady parts after pulls you close for a passionate kiss….yes THOSE urges!

Many guys may be thinking “I don’t want to rush things with her because she may expect a relationship too soon,” and many women may think “He is gonna think I’m a hoe or easy if I give it up.” Which brings up a few questions I ask myself and others often… “Is it too soon to have sex on the first date?” and “Should you wait a set number of dates, days, months, or years before your physical intimacy is explored?”

Steve Harvey’s best-selling Act Like a Lady, Think Like Man advises women to develop a “90 Day Rule” (a concept he adopted from a new employee’s probationary period), while Biblical and spiritual perspectives teach us to wait before marriage. Actress Meagan Good and her husband (and pastor) Devon Franklin’s best-selling book, The Wait, encourages the importance of sustaining from sex until marriage. So I want to dive deeper in learning the value and benefit of “waiting” before getting sexually intimate.

couple-731890_1920

A comprehensive study of more than 2,000 married people featured in the Journal of Family Psychology (2010) suggests that the longer couples wait before having sex, the stronger their relationship outcomes. This study found that couples who waited until marriage rated their relationship stability and satisfaction on an average of 20% higher than those who had sex early in their relationship.

Maybe waiting for marriage to break the chasity belt is not the goal anymore. Hell, even the Jonas Brothers and Jordin Sparks broke their purity promise. The reality is….the majority of us are are not walking around virgins, and certainly with me being a single and non-married mother, let’s just say the evidence supports that I obviously didn’t wait either.

Nevertheless, it is recommended that you have some discernment regarding WHEN you physically explore with a person you’re dating to allow you time to get to know the person and to determine whether or not you are actually interested in the person. According to a 2016 online survey conducted by Match.com, couples who waited 5 dates before sleeping together reported being 35% happier together compared to those who had sex on the first date.

I believe that there are factors that influence our decisions to not have sex as quickly. One of which is our history of knowing the person you’re dating. If this is a relationship that sparked from a friendship or months of knowing someone thru mutual friends or social clubs that you have been a round for some time, you may feel a sense of attraction that extends beyond the physical. A second factor is the biological timing of our dating experience. Biological timing applies to women’s ovulation cycle and being horny as hell. This is especially amp’d up of she hasn’t had any in a while. Been there ladies….I.understand!

Last, I think it also depends on your emotional timing. If you are just ending a relationship or still hung up on your ex, you are likely to have rebound sex. Be careful not to become a Stage 5 Clinger!

And yes, I am putting the ownest of having sex too soon on the woman because it is our body and no objects should enter without our permission. And quite frankly, because women want to have sex JUST as much as men!

Whenever you decide to get in the sheets, be it the first date, 5th date, or the day after you exchange vows…. just remember to make safe choices and to be sure it is what YOU want.

Love…

I’ve been a little…M.I.A.

Hey hey hey!!!!! I’m back in my unDENYably SINgle world!!! And guess what I have been doing? A LOT OF THINGS TO BE A BETTER RESOURCE TO YOU!

So….in the past two weeks life has been a whirlwind! And….I have been thinking of how I can make my blog much better for you, especially as I am reaching more and more followers and know that many will join us on this journey. With that, I am committed to blogging more, and giving you some, hopefully, rich content that you will be able to apply to your fabulously single (or dating…) life! But here is an update on what I have been up to…

Over the past two weeks, I launched my Create Your Vision (Board) Parties in the Richmond-metro and Virginia Beach areas! They were absolutely fab so a “big thanks” goes out to ALL of the participants who came out to celebrate my 2017 seminar launch and to get a better handle on their goals. I was able to connect with about 50 people at these events, and I was extremely happy to see so many different dynamics in the workshops…women and men who were in the retirement and second launch phase, couples who were considering next steps in their relationships, single mothers who were trying to re-map their family and personal goals, and men who were also exploring the single life and pursuing professional passions.

Next up….I  have a few things on my plate that I am planning and working towards offering my followers and coaching clients including a relationship enrichment seminar that will upcoming-eventsfocus on supporting my dating and newly married couples.  This seminar will be moderated by me and led with the help of my wonderfully and blissfully married couples at various stages in their marriages.  In addition, I will be facilitating other seminars that focus on co-parenting without the baby mama/baby daddy drama, and communicating better in relationships. AND….I am launching a free e-course in March that will focus on managing and maintaining a successful (and HAPPY) single life!

You can certainly join my email list to get updates on my upcoming workshops plus tips and resources that you may find helpful with parenting and dating as well! Plus, for signing up, you get two resources to help you better understand your child’s behavior and to help you maintain a successful relationship!

Now…onto the juicy things, which is why you are here, right? My dating life….. Ummm….It’s still there. My phone hasn’t been dry that’s for sure. AYYYEEEE!!! And….I’ve taken an interest in someone.

Yes….I know…. right!

I am taking things slow, and not rushing at all. We are still in the friendship stage with a WHOLE lot of attraction to each other. I will share more…maybe…when it reaches a relationship. Until then…. that’s all you get! Ha! Hey…. I have my reasons for keeping my relationship to myself, and I will actually talk about that in a future blog post (stay tuned)!

And speaking of FUTURE BLOG POSTS…. Guess what SINgluars (my new name for my fellow followers)? I AM COMMITTED to actually keeping you packed with some useful resources and STILL adding in my own twists and dating stories (and yours too so don’t forget to send them to me)! Each week, I will be blowing you up with posts to keep it real, to remain insightful, and to engage you in some discussions about the single life, dating and relationships, and even parenting and navigating relationships when children are in the mix. Here is a detailed look at what you can expect from me in the future:

undenyably-single

 

  • MANCODE Mondays: That’s right ladies… we are cracking the code, sorta! Each Monday I will offer you the man’s perspective on various topics.  Utilizing interviews, polls, and research, we will get an insight into how men really think and feel about issues, such as waiting to have sex, commitment and marriage, and so much more!
  • HUMP DAY Wednesdays: Keep your pants on….its not ALWAYS about sex! But we will be talking about SEX BABY! But…I will be exploring intimacy on more than just a physical level to help us truly reach the BIG O!
  • TALK-IT-OUT Thursdays: This is the chance to talk about relationships and the dynamics that come with them as we date. You can expect stories from me and my followers and even more about how to navigate through these challenges.
  • SINgle Saturdays: Whether you are actively seeking, dating, or happily single, I will share more about taking care of your star player….YOU! From self-care and guilty pleasures, to finding the perfect date night outfit or activity, and even some thoughts on creating your dating profile, these blogs will be all about how to put the best you forward.

I thank you so kindly  for sticking with me! Down below….let me know what you think about the upcoming schedule, and let me know if there is anything that is pressing you. Leave it in the comments or contact me directly!

 

Kisses!