It’s not him…it’s YOU!

Over the last few weeks, I have been buried in developing and facilitating seminars and coaching programs to empower women in their personal, family, and relationship goals. And while it’s no excuse to leave you hanging, just know that I’m back with a purpose!

And that purpose brings me RIGHT here! To drop a nice clue bomb on the matter of dating a person who is NOT dating you. Yes, I said that correctly. I am going to share a little bit about how you may find yourself in a relationship BY YOURSELF.

Interestingly enough, there are many women out there who maintain months and sometimes years of situationships that do not lead to actual relationships. And before you quickly point the finger at the guy you were dating to say, “He did me wrong!” or “How could he do this to me?” to even “He’s such as an asshole…jerk…f*ckboy”…or insert whatever adjective to describe him, pick up a mirror because the problem in the whole situation was probably YOU!

Harsh much? Maybe.

But you missed all the signs. So let me paint the picture:

I have been dating this guy for nearly 9 months. We spend time together often and have even gone on trips together. We have met each other’s children and have even had playdates with our kids. I found myself falling really hard for him, and so I told him that I loved him about 2 months ago. He didn’t say it back, and I don’t think I really expected him to say so just because I said it, but I was expecting him to tell me how he felt. He started to get a little distant, so of course I asked kinda asked him about his feelings towards me. He told me that he enjoys hanging out and spending time with me and that he likes me, but he didn’t feel as strongly about me as I did. I told him it was okay because I know that I fall easily and that it wasn’t going to change how I felt about him. Well we continued to date, and most recently I asked him how he felt about me again because my feelings are growing deeper and deeper.  Not to mention, it bugged me when he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend when we ran into a friend of his at the movies. I mean we do everything like we are a couple, so I guess I figured we were a couple. I call him my boyfriend to my friends, co-workers, and family.  He told me that we were “cool” and that he liked us “kicking it” but he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.  But he did say that if he was ready for a relationship then it would be with me. Of course, I am heartbroken and confused because I really love him. When we first started dating, he mentioned that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but he wasn’t opposed to one if it happened. So should I wait for him to come around because I know there are feelings there? I don’t want to say he is an ass because I know that he was really hurt from his last relationship, but I’m just so confused.

family-1822498_1920Unfortunately, this “situationship” is all too familiar to me and probably many other women. And, even though we may be upset at the guy for “leading you on,” the truth is…HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Yes, I said it. He isn’t the blame for your heartbreak or the fact that you are head over heels for him. The biggest problem is that you ignored EACH window of opportunity to get out of the relationship before you made up one this lifelong romance her head. And at 9 months, you birthed a storm of emotions that mean very little to him and his plans for a future with you.

So why am I on the “guy’s side” in this case? Why do I feel is she the problem? There are 3 reasons.

He doesn’t want a relationship. PERIOD. From the jump, he mentioned that he was not “looking for a relationship.” Yeah, I know you’re probably saying but he said he “wasn’t opposed to one”  so then he led her on. WRONG! The problem that too often happens with us women, is that we miss everything BEFORE the but….Just like men miss everything when they see a butt!


…Because I have your attention…

….He doesn’t want a relationship.

He made it clear, and instead of accepting what he said, you pressed forward on the hope that if he gets with you that things will change. Stop thinking you are the exception because you’re not. It doesn’t matter how great you are, and how WONDERFUL of a wife you will be, when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship…BELIEVE HIM. For whatever reason, he is telling you that he is not going to make himself emotionally or physically available for you in a committed and serious way. So, ladies…if your man says “I’m not really looking to get into anything serious” or if you want to work towards a meaningful relationship and he is on the fence….hmmm…don’t push your luck. Now this doesn’t mean you RUSH all in and run because it isn’t moving at your pace (a different blog for a different day). But, if he wants to have a relationship, then it will be easy to talk about a relationship. And that leads me to the next point.

ASK. Don’t ASSUME!  Because you’re hung up on the possibility of a relationship, you may mistake his cues and time spent with you as relationship goals. And they’re not. You have gone through the motions of what couples do… date nights; hand holding, sex and affection; planned and taken trips together; and even have your kids involved. All of that seems like some real couply shit. Except…you’re not a couple!

panorama-1414827_1920You assumed that you were his girlfriend, BUT you never asked. You assumed that that he would tell you how he felt about you, BUT you avoided asking because you assumed that things would change. And when you did ask…you still made assumptions about his true feelings.

Remember… “he’s been hurt before…blah blah blah.”

It really is a big assumption that paints the picture that you are too afraid to open up your big beautiful eyes to see. And that is, there is no relationship. If you really want to know where you and your guy stand, ASK. And be open to HEAR the truth for what it is, and not for what you want it to be.

You should be prepared to know the direction of your relationship from beginning, middle, and climax. And here is the crazy thing… a man will tell you his intention before you even ask him. He will tell you he wants a relationship, and how he would like to see your relationship progress. Moreover, he will be prepared and ready to have “the talk” with you, if he wants to be with you. Which brings up the next point.

If he wanted you as a girlfriend, you would be his GIRLFRIEND.  There is no guessing game when it comes to relationships. And certainly, a man who knows what he wants will make it known. That means, if he wants you, then he will work to get and keep you. He won’t play games with you, or make you feel like your relationship is a rubix cube.

At the same time, you have to own when you allow yourself to be gone with the wind, blowing left and right at every nice gesture a man shares with you. For instance, him spending time with you may actually be just that. Just him hanging out with you. Nothing more.

I previously mentioned that if a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, then that is exactly what he means. Consequently, when you hear a man tell you that he you would be his girlfriend if he was ready, it just means that he’s interested in a girlfriend in the future, but you don’t exactly strike him as THE ONE. In other words, he believes that you are nice person or a “good girl” but he also believes that there is someone better out there for him.

As  I shared already, I can relate to this story all too well. I have been exactly where this woman and you have been. It sucks, but the years that you waste holding on to hope for a future that is never gonna happen sucks even more. And after you finally let go of waiting, and you see more value in yourself and your time, you are bound to meet and keep love and relationship that meets all your needs. The best year of my life came after I finally accepted these three simple rules. I found happiness in being single and alone until I was ready. And you can too. Join in my program, Happily Single Ever After, where you can explore your past relationship (or exiting) relationship to find the happiness to move your love life forward.

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Monique is a beautifully, talented, and successful 30-something single mother of one who lives in Virginia. She has provided family education and counseling for years, and now serves as one of her biggest and favorite clients. From single to dating and dating to single, and even navigating the market as single mother, Monique has been through it all. She finds her passion in being relatable and sharing her experiences with her followers in parenting, womanhood, and dating.

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