The other day I was tagged in a Facebook discussion regarding a blog that was posted in September 2016. Of course, the blog addressed many issues, but most relevant is the view that black women are not having successful relationships with black men because of a black woman’s lack of appreciation for black men. Ultimately, this leads black men to date outside of their race.
Now, I will say a few things very briefly to the subject matter, but not the article in its entirety. I will start off by saying that much of this article and even the original “facebook post” reflect a reality with many black women and black families and relationships. Sadly, it is that reality that raises the question, “Are there any GOOD black men, women, and relationships out there?”
From a historical and intergenerational context, the structure of the black family has changed. Indeed before welfare and TANF and all of these inventions that started to peak…. black families were more in tact, albeit the issues. I do believe that welfare and child support has arguably become the way for which black families began to lose its roots of togetherness. Nowadays a black woman (NOT ALL) would rather rely on assistance then to look to support and assistance of the man. Interestingly, many will get assistance and keep him in the home.
So then what does that communicate? It communicates that “I’m good with you not providing for your family.” Yet, when there is a family dispute, (because poverty and low income breeds domestic issues), then the first argumentative and affirmative is one of “You ain’t a man” or “you ain’t sh*t” because you don’t work or pay bills,”or etc. And let alone the fact that children then become pawns.
And what happens culturally? We, as a culture of people, glorify this behavior. We put pedestals and celebration on our incarcerated boyfriends and throw coming home parties or rock FREE MY ______(fill in the blank) shirts. Many of us would rather share a ratchet video of two women fighting over a man or disheartening domestic violence video before celebrating and sharing an article, blog, post, image of our loved ones business or job promotion. Stop it!
And for black families that are in tact or doing well or hell even co-parenting we regard them as “abnormal” or ignore them because they don’t exhibit public issues. Or as in many cases, we classify these families as doing “white people” things. And culturally…these families are not exposed as a standard for “the black family.” Instead we resort to the baby mama/baby daddy drama that continues to feed into the stereotype. And interestingly, if you google single mom, you get a THOUSAND images of black mothers before white single mothers. Yet, there are probably MORE single white mothers who have boat loads of problems that don’t even compare to “Raheem and Nae-Nae baby daddy issues!” The only difference…. it is isn’t aired or shared with a 1.6 million views.
And there is some shameful truth. Do I believe that black women emasculate the black man….YUP. BUT I also believe that black women’s expectations of what she wants and NEEDS from the black man have evolved because her place (rooting, footing, position) is becoming more dominant in many social aspects. The majority of black women are NOT sitting around as victims and like some damn “woe is me, no one wants me” woman. Some do…and that’s ok….take my business card and lets change that thinking! But black women have been (and continue to keep on) winning!
We are holding down careers, kids, throwing down in the bedroom 3-4x a week (twice on a good night), preparing the meal, clapping back at slick chicks like that original facebook post directed from a white woman to black women, and praying for the family in church on Sunday! So with that…. a REAL black woman….a true black woman is not going to deal with a man too long who is FINDING HIMSELF or trying to figure it out. With all of the resources out here…women are finding it easier and OK to foot it alone. But it doesn’t mean she WANTS to….which takes me to the next point.
Now… I will say this…. a woman who says she doesn’t NEED a man often is acknowledging that she does WANT a man. Hell no one wants to be out here alone, but the reality is we have to keep ourselves driven with purpose and remain intentional to what we WANT and will NEED in our life. We WANT and NEED a helpmate and partner, and not a burden. So when a woman preaches how she does NOT need a man and doesn’t have one …that may be rooted in the idea that she is hurt or fearful that she is going to end up with a man who CANNOT compliment her – a man who won’t appreciate or add value to her life.
Do I believe that black women have caused the “demise“ of black men? No…but there are ways for which we generalize one man’s “aint sh*t” moments to every black man because of ONE bad relationship.
There are a GREAT number of strong black men who are DOING well and have all women lined up to be chosen by them. But AGAIN, culturally and socially, these black men don’t make mainstream media or get the credit they often deserve on a daily.
If I can keep it real….no one with considerable things to do is concerned with the cast of the Best Man or Omari Hardwick’s choices in wives. Honestly, I say good for them! Hell they found someone who made them happy. This is not the time for a black woman to go on her rant about how they “aren’t good black men because they married outside their race.”
Girl SIT DOWN!
He just didnt want you! Hell….and that’s ok.
You don’t know how he treats her! If you believe to be a Queen then carry yourself as one. Because the KING for you will find you. FIND you. Stop looking for him and settling with these dudes and then attempting to lump all black men in the “aint sh*t” category because your last man mistreated you! And then as if to raise insult to injury, you raise your child as a little f*ckboy based on the dirt bags you dated. Stop that! And SIT DOWN!
Love to hear your reflection….