Sex…on the first date?

We have all been there… The awkward first date. Maybe you go out for a nice dinner and have a drink or two. There is a great connection and conversation. The tension and chemistry is evident, and you are at your car, doorstep, or meeting spot….do you act on your urges?

Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what “urges” I’m talking about. I mean the growth in his pants from your too close of a hug you gave him, or the tingle in your lady parts after pulls you close for a passionate kiss….yes THOSE urges!

Many guys may be thinking “I don’t want to rush things with her because she may expect a relationship too soon,” and many women may think “He is gonna think I’m a hoe or easy if I give it up.” Which brings up a few questions I ask myself and others often… “Is it too soon to have sex on the first date?” and “Should you wait a set number of dates, days, months, or years before your physical intimacy is explored?”

Steve Harvey’s best-selling Act Like a Lady, Think Like Man advises women to develop a “90 Day Rule” (a concept he adopted from a new employee’s probationary period), while Biblical and spiritual perspectives teach us to wait before marriage. Actress Meagan Good and her husband (and pastor) Devon Franklin’s best-selling book, The Wait, encourages the importance of sustaining from sex until marriage. So I want to dive deeper in learning the value and benefit of “waiting” before getting sexually intimate.

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A comprehensive study of more than 2,000 married people featured in the Journal of Family Psychology (2010) suggests that the longer couples wait before having sex, the stronger their relationship outcomes. This study found that couples who waited until marriage rated their relationship stability and satisfaction on an average of 20% higher than those who had sex early in their relationship.

Maybe waiting for marriage to break the chasity belt is not the goal anymore. Hell, even the Jonas Brothers and Jordin Sparks broke their purity promise. The reality is….the majority of us are are not walking around virgins, and certainly with me being a single and non-married mother, let’s just say the evidence supports that I obviously didn’t wait either.

Nevertheless, it is recommended that you have some discernment regarding WHEN you physically explore with a person you’re dating to allow you time to get to know the person and to determine whether or not you are actually interested in the person. According to a 2016 online survey conducted by Match.com, couples who waited 5 dates before sleeping together reported being 35% happier together compared to those who had sex on the first date.

I believe that there are factors that influence our decisions to not have sex as quickly. One of which is our history of knowing the person you’re dating. If this is a relationship that sparked from a friendship or months of knowing someone thru mutual friends or social clubs that you have been a round for some time, you may feel a sense of attraction that extends beyond the physical. A second factor is the biological timing of our dating experience. Biological timing applies to women’s ovulation cycle and being horny as hell. This is especially amp’d up of she hasn’t had any in a while. Been there ladies….I.understand!

Last, I think it also depends on your emotional timing. If you are just ending a relationship or still hung up on your ex, you are likely to have rebound sex. Be careful not to become a Stage 5 Clinger!

And yes, I am putting the ownest of having sex too soon on the woman because it is our body and no objects should enter without our permission. And quite frankly, because women want to have sex JUST as much as men!

Whenever you decide to get in the sheets, be it the first date, 5th date, or the day after you exchange vows…. just remember to make safe choices and to be sure it is what YOU want.

Love…

Published by

Monique

Monique is a beautifully, talented, and successful 30-something single mother of one who lives in Virginia. She has provided family education and counseling for years, and now serves as one of her biggest and favorite clients. From single to dating and dating to single, and even navigating the market as single mother, Monique has been through it all. She finds her passion in being relatable and sharing her experiences with her followers in parenting, womanhood, and dating.

6 thoughts on “Sex…on the first date?”

    1. Thanks Lakisa! You are exactly right…. sex is such a “taboo” discussion. But the reality of it is…we are sexual beings and physical intimacy is a need that we have (not always sexual intercourse) and the truth is women really do think of sex as often as men. Our cognitions around it may differ but we are still thinking about it.

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  1. When I go out on a first date, I don’t go with the mindset of trying to get laid. However, I am a man and it would be incredibly hard to stop myself from acting on those emotions. But, it’s the first date and many questions will arise. If we do sleep together, will she think that I’m a **ckboy? Why would she sleep with me so soon? Is she lonely? Does she really like me and she is just doing this because she feels like she has to in order to keep me around? Regardless of popular opinion, I’m not going to think that she is a hoe if we sleep together one the first date. If she is a hoe for doing that, then so am I. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with sleeping together on the first date. However, I feel that I would be less likely to get into a serious relationship with a woman who “gave it up” so easily. Ideally, this is what would have to happen for me to have the maximum amount of respect for this woman. When I take her back to her place, we should sit and talk for a few. Maybe we can discuss whether or not we would like to see each other again. I don’t want an invite into her home, but I wouldn’t decline. If we sleep together, I’m almost positive that there will be regret on both of our faces in the morning. She’s thinking “I’m such a whore.”, and I’m thinking “I can’t be with a woman who slept with me on the first date. It was too easy.” There is so much more to say, but I’m going to leave it at that and see what kind of input or questions I may get.

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    1. John, you raise a few interesting points. The first being the perception of being labeled easy or just after sex. The 2nd being the lack of respect that a man will have for a woman. I can admit that I have been on the end of giving it up too soon, and felt that I was never respected in the brief courtship. Conversations were only sexual and in nature and we couldnt get back to a place of really knowing each other.

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