“You, you got what I need but you say he’s just a friend!” ~ Biz Markie

So here it is…I met this guy a while back. I was feeling him…he was feeling me. We talked for a little while before we actually went out, but when we finally did…it was like instant chemistry. I found him to be extremely attractive, funny, and charming, and he felt the same about me. So we started hanging out. Chillin’ with each other when we could make time with our busy and very different schedules. Catching a movie or dinner here and there.

Things seemed to be going pretty well….
Now, I’m not sure how many of you have been “friend zoned” before, but to me it was one of the biggest blows to my ego. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that the foundation of a good relationship is friendship. But for all intents and purposes, I’m talking beyond that aspect.

I mean the, I really like you, but… or the you know, we’re just cool… to even the no f* given I just want to be friends nonchalant response after you mustered up the courage to ask him “Where do you see things going with us?”

Just straight up….FRIEND ZONE.

The fact that I was benched and put in friend zone was indeed crushing especially because I genuinely liked the guy. I thought, and still think, he’s amazing, but I understand why he served me with the curve ball after we seemingly clicked so well. I admit that after I went through my 50 shades of emotions (hurt, embarrassment, frustration, anger, and forgiveness), I accepted my position for what is…at least for now. Ha!

Seriously…. there are some legit reasons as to why a man will friend zone you.  Indeed, my friend zoning was one that I believe was done with good merit and reasoning. At the time, we did not have the same view on our futures. Now that is not to say that things cannot change down the road, but as of now, I am not the woman he wishes to pursue a future.  And I can respect him much more for telling me when he did as opposed to 6 months or 2 years into a relationship.

With about 95% certainty, I can say that if a man throws a flag on your relationship and remands you to the friend zone because he is still dealing with a bad breakup or because he’s concerned about the after math of losing you as a friends should things go awry, then you can believe that he is not being a jerk.  He truly values you enough to tell you his feelings and doesn’t wish for either of you to get hurt.

Now this is your out, and chance to walk away and work to restore the friendship. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT….. Just as sure as I am saying you can walk away with no major love lost, there are those who somehow wish to challenge the ruling on the field.

Do you know what happens when most women get served the “bro card?” We still try to make ourselves fit to the liking and interests of the guy who just hit us with the Heisman! Mostly this happens because we don’t, or rather, we CAN’T BRING OURSELVES to understand why he friend zoned you.

So instead of falling back, women (and this happens with men too) usually take this as a some unwarranted invitation to try harder. And that’s where things can go COMPLETELY south! It becomes a downright shit-show of imploding emotions and feelings that often end with the rejected person crying her eyes out, listening to the Mary J Blige Pandora station, and calling all of her girlfriends to explain how her “friend” was a misleading liar.


Despite how much fun you guys have or how great the sex, you’re still just a friend. Wait…Correction…I forgot….

….Because you keep giving it up to him, you’ve been upgraded to the cozy “Friends with Benefits” seating. But don’t get comfortable because this is a seasonal position. This means you are only good enough to hold onto this role until that Full-time Girlfriend who meets all of his qualifications comes along and replaces you….thus sending you back to the bench.

And then you will repeat your emotional cycle, whereas this time your friends will roll their eyes and bite their tongues because they want to shout out “I told you so!”

So my play-dates who are in the friend zone and can’t understand how your bestie can pass you up, let me share 3 clue bombs to help you to understand why you have been thrown into the Let’s just be friends lineup when he doesn’t give you any legit explanation.

Again, not that it’s really necessary because if a man says he wants to be friends… well hopefully you get the point.

But here are my 3 Reasons You are in the Friendzone:

3 Reasons You're in Friendzone!.png

1. You’re Annoying. You are the one who’s blowing up his phone with random texts, always asking him to go out, or just popping up to hang out. Let’s not forget the million selfies or usies you take each and every time you guys hang out, or the constant checking in when you two go places together just so others know that you two are together. Do I dare even mention the fact that you constantly nag or complain about EVERYTHING he likes to do or watch on TV. Or even the fact that you are probably incredibly petty which escalates your annoyance to utterly obnoxious behavior.

Granted you are just trying to show interest when you ask him to hang out or call him to check in on him, but it can come off as needy and annoying if he has ignored your calls, or waits to text you back hours later. There are 86,400 seconds in a day so if he cannot find one second to shoot you a text, then he’s not interested. Let’s also remember that when he finally does text you with a “wyd” you kill him with the rundown of your whole day because you get so excited to hear from him or you may even explode on him with your emotional rant because he hasn’t replied to any of your texts. No one wants to date a needy, mean girl so you’re probably going to get curbed….alot.

2. You’re a Flirt. We get it “you’re single.” You like to flirt and you like attention. Probably because you’re needy.  Yes, he sees your IG posts and likes the pictures with your breasts perked up or the ass shots in your bathroom, but guess what, so do the other 126 guys who are gawking at you and hitting you with the googly eyes! And I am pretty sure that when you go out with your girlfriends, men are knocking down the door to buy you a drink or you may even pull 2-3 numbers a night. There is no doubt that you slay honey! You are probably the cat’s meow. And to that I say WERK BISH! But the problem is, you call and tell your “friend” all about it.

In some weird way you think it will make him jealous or consider how lucky he is to have a woman who is admired by so many suitors. In reality, he is thinking that you are not serious about a relationship and that you can’t be trusted. A man desires a woman that he has to himself. He wants to show off his woman because she commands attention; therefore, he doesn’t need a showpiece who needs to be the center of the attention.

3. He’s Not Ready. Just to shift things here, and take us women out of the hot seat, the obvious reason why you are in the Friend Zone is because your guys just isn’t ready for a relationship. He has said it to you in many ways, but again you probably ignored the signs because you guys are so great together and do “couply” things. He treats you well. Takes you out. Comes over to hang out. He can be very passionate and sweet. Some women get stuck on the “we cuddle all the time,” but you aren’t making any progression.

Sure you have met his friends, but somewhere in the conversation, he has introduced you as just his friend and he has probably even talked about how pretty the other woman at the party is while you’re standing right there.  There is also the good chance that he has planned trips and events without you, or even gone out to hang with another woman who is also just a friend.

And just when you get upset or get your feelings hurt, which leads to your desire to confront him, he snaps at you and tells you “I told you I didn’t wanna relationship.” And then, as if it doesn’t make matters worse, he will call you a few days later as if it nothing had ever happened.

Getting served the bro card doesn’t mean you have a bad hand. It just means you need a new partner. Too often we don’t recognize that the person we are head over heels for just isn’t for us. The spark just isn’t there. But instead of taking the facts and moving on, we somehow manage to plow right thru with our warped beliefs in hopes that we can change things. Quite simply…we can’t.

If you are in the friend zone, and can identify yourself in any of these situations, then let it go. You deserve more than what you are receiving and you owe it to yourself to go out and get what you deserve…from someone who is willing to give it to you. And, quite honestly, you cannot be mad at someone who doesn’t find you attractive or doesn’t see you in that way. We all know what we like, and we go after it.

Your “someone better” is undeniably waiting for you… right where you left him…

…..probably in the friendzone. 😜

Until we meet again….

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Monique is a beautifully, talented, and successful 30-something single mother of one who lives in Virginia. She has provided family education and counseling for years, and now serves as one of her biggest and favorite clients. From single to dating and dating to single, and even navigating the market as single mother, Monique has been through it all. She finds her passion in being relatable and sharing her experiences with her followers in parenting, womanhood, and dating.

3 thoughts on “unDENYably…Friendzoned!”

  1. I enjoy how you cover so much in this but it does not leave much room for a commit. I will say this if a person is telling you how they feel take that has the truth. If he/she say they want a friend then be a friend. And we know everyone has a diffent definition of that work.


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